12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
