I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Randomize
