Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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