You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize