Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Randomize
