It's like a parade of train wrecks.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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