The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
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