Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
