Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
