Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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