Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
