somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize