foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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