I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
