Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I cut my penus on the lid.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
