she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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