My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
where are you?
Hypothermia
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
