cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
