when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize
