508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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