if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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