I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
