i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
