she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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