I faked an abortion last night.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
