Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
