My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
foreskin is a definite game changer
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
