i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
this is an emotional support booty call
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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