I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
It's never too late to be topless.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
