Only a mothe r could love this liver
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
