Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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