Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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