you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
