GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
