in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
