drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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