We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
