i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
