I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
then he tried to convert me to islam
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
