Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize