his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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