i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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