Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
