i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
