I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize