My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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