I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
