Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
