i wish there were pregnant emoticons
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
