I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
