My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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