Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize