I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
