Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
