every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
