i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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