She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
