anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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