so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
