I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
