She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
