For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
