At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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